Broken heart.

It's been awhile.. The past few weeks of my crazy journey to find myself have been rough. I have put on some weight on again after working so hard to take it off. I have been incredibly stressed out and quit my job. I have been sad and this entire time just asking myself what did I do wrong??? I had this friend, well not just a friend my very best friend who knew me better then anyone , the only person aside from my immidiate family that I let into my heart. this past Christmas this particular friend hurt me in a way I never imagined. I keep thinking I will just let it go because it's not worth my time or the hurt I have felt inside since then :( Well not a day goes by I don't think about her wonder how she could do this to me or why she would want to hurt me on the bad side I miss her sometimes even though she hurt me I feel alone I feel as if I have noone in this world to understand who I really am.. I sometimes catch a scent of her even though I got rid of everything that reminded me of her she's there in my head and it hurts..... Now I know she'll never see this but I need to get it out because if I don't I can't heal I really truely cannot heal...
     Dear friend,
for 4 years you were my best friend, my family... I wish you could feel the pain you have caused me and I don't know why. Why you hurt me this way. I have been over this so many times in my head from the moment I met you moving a couch up the steps to the very last minute when I spoke to you on the phone about buying potato's on christmas eve and I can't think of anything.. any reason why you would hurt me like this except that your selfish and you meant to hurt me all along.. I brought you into my home and my family you are the godmother to my youngest children, your on my marriage liscence, you were there for the birth of my baby girl. We have shared so many great memories I shared my thoughts, hopes, fears with you. I told you my deepest darkest secrets only to have you use them against me. You looked me in the face and lied to me over and over again! you hugged me and told me you loved me you put your hands on my children celebrated with my family! You knew things were weird and fed me a big line of garbage to cover up your lies. Why would you do this to me? Why of all the people in my life YOU did this to me.. To cause me pain? was I a bad friend? I just don't understand but it was wrong in so many ways. I'm sure you don't think of me or what you did.. I'm sure that you don't even blink an eye knowing there are children who you just let down just disapeared from their lives. It's really not fair...It's not fair at all to hurt so many people because of your selfishness and I didn't deserve to hurt like this not even a little!!! I loved you like my sister. You have crushed my heart and taken away any trust I could hold for future friends... I just want you to know that I have forgiven you and I'll probably never get my answers but I can't go on living my life thinking it was me because it's not I was good to you in every way possible I never stepped out of line not even once. So with that said I forgive you, I loved you, I loved your family, You were my family... I didn't deserve this pain.. I forgive you and have to forget I wish you, C and your baby girl the best life can give you..  ME..
   Im in a rut people and I'm really trying to pull myself up from this darkness that has been eating me. I miss you all so very much but I have to get thing's figured out in my head. I know that I am NOT a bad person I AM a geniune loving person who would give you my shelter my clothing and anything else you needed if you needed it. I AM strong and can overcome this. I'm unsure how just this minutes but I can and will. I will follow through with my goals and achieve them. I will attempt to make friends and find the me that was me prior to December 24th 2010 only better and stronger! Thank you all for listening you mean the world to me.
Mommy from Planet KrAZy!